i didn't work! for, like, a year!

heads up: #hashtaglongread

i have long thought of a way to write about "taking some time off" in a way that doesn't make me completely insufferable to a number of potential audiences, including myself. impossible. and believe me, i put in the time (my gmail drafts folder is a graveyard of iterations). 

so imma just aim for authenticity and do my best for brevity here. 

sheryl sandberg, in writing about the sudden and traumatic loss of her husband, included a one line prayer that stuck with me, "let me not die while i am still alive." my father died one year, five months, and three days after my mother died, and i think that somewhere in that time period i was, if not actually dying while alive, headed down that road. i mean, it was not DRAMATIC. don't get me wrong, there was no meltdown, more of a slow burn. not a ton of people even said anything to me (due credit to the ones who did) but i just wasn't myself. i wrestled with feelings of guilt, loss, shock, and tried to distract myself with tasks for my father that ultimately made me feel a strange mix of kinda speed-y and exhausted. hindsight is 20/20 but even in the moment iiiiiiiiii kinda knew something was up. i was not a fun date, i was not a compassionate boss, i was probably not the most giving friend, and i was a subpar employee. the only energy i had went toward trying to be a good daughter for as long as i had left, and i don't know if you know much about the healthcare system in this country but it'll drive a good woman mad. 

so, something had to give. we lost my dad, their furniture was divided and stored, my sister had a baby on the way, i bought a beach cottage in my hometown, and i found myself with a boss i am convinced my mother handpicked from above and sent to care for me. together, she and i figured out a breather from work, the breather turned into a permanent break, a permanent break turned into the world's pickiest job hunt, the fall became the winter (it snowed on tybee!), the winter became the spring, and now it is summer and i find myself with a new home base that, for the first time in sixteen years, is not new york city. even for someone whose career path admittedly resembles the aerial view of how I-24 snakes up and down monteagle mountain, this twist surprised me. but i am so, so happy!  

but i gotta say, y'all. it was time, that wonderful - if frustrating and SLOW - healer that helped me dig out. because of hard work and an understanding company, i had the luxury of stepping back, chilling out, and just taking a beat. i can remember saying to carole, my boss, "i just need a minute" and her saying, "liz, it's ok if it's more than a minute." it was the sort of life decision that would have worried my parents, and prompted so many questions from them about health insurance and the like, but in the end their consternation would be solved in the way it always kinda was:  my mother would have patted my dad's arm, his wrist raised as he worked another cuticle to the bone, and calmly reminded him that he should trust me. that i was a good kid, with a solid foundation, and i hadn't made too many terrible calls thus far, so why don't we just assume she's doing the right thing. for herself. i like to think this transpired in heaven, anyway. 

work is work, and life is life, but too many times the former becomes/assumes/transforms into the latter. i have had the privilege of working in so many exciting places, among so many brilliant, funny, interesting people. some of them are my close friends now! one time during a heated discussion in a stress-filled newsroom, i was accused of being quiet and when asked "what's wrong with you!!!!!"  my honest answer was, "i just can't believe i get to be here." new york can make you feel that way, and for so very long it  buoyed me. the city, that is. it kept me hungry and addicted to that thrill of being in the mix, the mix in the center of the universe, that universe being comprised of 8 million people who are just as crazy as you, but SMARTER. that is new york. but if you are able to hit the pause button at the right time, and in the right headspace, it is possible to find sources of joy in new places, and among different people. and they are also really smart and funny and motivated! (they do take a lunch break, though, which i am still getting used to.) the longer i stayed away from work, and the more people i met along the way, i realized i wasn't the only one who took action and took a minute for themselves. many of those folks i have borderline worshipped - on twitter, in life, in books, in ny magazine profiles - have some version in their own story about what THEY did. that time THEY went through a "weird" phase. when THEIR families secretly asked each other behind their backs, "he's going to be ok, right?" so, i was probably due for my own little side bar, don't you think? i am forty, after all, people!

and no. i didn't hike machu picchu or write the great american novel during my time off. BUT i did manage to live without email on my phone! and i planted variegated pittosporum in my garden because of how pretty it is in bouquets! i developed inside jokes with kids i adore but used to only see twice a year, read books from start to finish in less than, say, 3 months, got to know the tybee post office staff, helped mrs. summers and mrs. ross and mrs. wimbish at church, jumped off docks,  and above all else: my littlest nephew knows who i am and is genuinely excited to see my face and hear my voice because i have had the privilege of being up in his grill his whole entire baby life. (there is a cash bonus if bissy is among his first ten words). none of this may sound monumental, but it sure does feel it. 

i wish every company could help their people take their minute. and do so in a way that doesn't bankrupt them or severely slow career progression. i also wish that healing from loss was faster, more formulaic, and came with a predictable cadence. my mom would tell me that when i was very little and felt sick i would not whine about how bad i felt but ask her very pointed and annoyed questions about how long it was going to last. what a weirdo! but i still get that way today. like, sure, i can take the pain, fine, whatever, lady, hit me up with that cold, wet washcloth one more time. but while you're at it, tell me more about when everything is going to be normal again. turns out the answer is never! and i think what this time taught me was, in the end, that is actually ok. 

BECAUSE! if you pay attention to what's happening, and life has blessed you with friends who love and support you unconditionally, you will find the quiet. you will take the minute, or more, to listen to yourself.  yes! you! the person those people you miss so, so much created and nurtured and raised and put all their love and energy into. with them and because of them, you can ease into a new normal, a different life, and not feel that scared or sad about it. you can open your eyes and your heart and your mind and your home to NEW people and ideas and recipes and towns. and if you, like me, find your way there, i hope you will find what i have come to know....peace in my heart that, just like father dunbar says every sunday, indeed does passeth all understanding. 

come visit, now! but not until like october it's hot as hell right now. 

**and thanks for reading if you got all the way through. though, come on, it's not like you're actually working this week anyway :)