do...what now?

guys.

i want you to imagine for a minute that you survived the holidays. (many of you did! congrats!) you negotiated family dynamics, powered through the month and all that comes with it, got your kids back to school without sedating them or yourself (no judgment on the latter), managed to not talk about jeffrey epstein at the secret santa exchange, got to the other side of new year’s, signed up for a spin class, slowly started working vegetables back into your diet, are considering peeking at that white hot amex statement, and then - boom - your sister-in-law WHO DIDN’T EVEN SHOW UP TO CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR - issues a press release she will be departing, formally, the family she’s been a part of, officially, for about thirty seconds.

dry january, my ass, kitty midds. pour yourself a pinot because we have a few things to unpack.

not one to bury the lede: none of this should be a surprise.

i’ve said from pretty early on that this chick, while formidable, is ultimately just another product of the hollywood machine. and meghan, your L.A. is showing, girl! listen, more power to people who work hard to carve out a new family unit of their own, decide it won’t be business as usual for their branch of the family tree, and i do think harry is sort of traumatized by his mother’s death so maybe it’s ok to not live in england the way his brother is choosing to do.

HOWEVER.

it all just reeks of strategy. and cheese. the posed pics and well-planned release of “us against the world” narratives ,coupled with the look at us, look at us, look at us approach to philanthropy. the serena williams friendship out of nowhere and the flashy baby shower. did kate have a baby shower? oh what’s that? you can’t recall? THAT’S CAUSE WE HAVE NO IDEA GUYS. private. low-key. not a celeb.

the other thing that really gets me and really answers all the questions here: it’s so obvious they just kinda don’t know each other- or one another’s families- that well. i mean all that stuff before their wedding, your psycho half sister and your creepily desperate dad? me gets the feeling your future grandmother-in-law AKA the queen of england didn’t get the heads up she deserved on all that, now did she? y’all know what i mean. before you make a lifetime commitment IN THE PUBLIC EYE, you’ve got to really wrap your head around the fact people you don’t know WILL DEFINITELY have an opinion if you fly private. you’re gonna be sharing photo opps with your SUPER BELOVED AND FAMOUS, NOT LIKE SUITS ON THE USA NETWORK FAMOUS, LIKE ACTUAL GLOBALLY FAMOUS sister-in-law? are you sure you’re ok with that? this is all part of the package! you gotta get to know your person, people. understand what makes their family tick. spend time with them in circumstances that are not some sort of loved-up getaway, i’m talking a tuesday. when the flu is going around. and your tax extension is up at midnight. get in there! due diligence! you might not know, for instance, that he owns more than 100 dogs AS A HOBBY - not to mention a house cat - on date one or even five, but get to know the fella and go see where he lives, put in some time as a part of his REAL life, and well, you will get more information! trust. just an example that comes to mind! i dunno! popped into my head!

now that we have gotten a smoke signal from BP, i feel like i can share a few conclusions per my extremely non-professional eye:

^^LITCHRALLY GET ME THEIR TEXT THREAD. ^^ and data overage.

Is Camilla just, kinda, having a vodka through all of this? God, she must feel so vindicated.

Has Meghan, I dunno, HEARD OF WALLIS SIMPSON. Give it a Goog, girl. Can’t hurt.

I feel like Zara and Kate have burner phones to discuss this.

Media nerd sidebar but it is gonna be so interesting who gets the first interview. back in the day networks would have died and negotiated huge “get” packages - prime time specials, sit downs for the 7am hour, etc. i assume it will be oprah, gayle will get the excerpt (she didn’t go to that baby shower for kicks y’all)

Just a reminder: all this was announced the day before kate’s bday. RUDE.

gary janetti’s book just went in the ole amazon cart for reals.

am i the only one who thinks archie will be an only child?

they had a firm design their site! they are listed as a client! that firm WENT ON THE RECORD about working with the couple! i don’t mean to get super industry here, but there are professionals who work with the A plus of the A list out there in the world who would sooner die than disclose their work on those famous figures’ brands and pr. this is one of the wildest elements of this entire story, IMO.

quick reminder lizzie DGAF.

in conclusion: you guys this ^^ is a real couple.

maybe harry and meghan are too but…it’s different. they’re different. this entire thing is different. (see: headlines, worldwide.) i guess some people think it’s “modern” but i think it’s sad. if you can’t park your self-actualization at the door when you marry into the british monarchy, IDK what to tell you. my mom would say sometimes it’s ok to be committed to your marriage if not maybe your husband in the throes of something hard or annoying or unexpected. you are in it, and you are diggin’ in and staying with your person because of something much more deep.i something you promised to god! on national television in this case! i’m afraid i don’t get the feeling megs has the grit for that kind of lifelong partnership and maybe harry is along for the ride, wants a family, and will rock these speed bumps and go with his wife. and that’s admirable in its own way too, honestly! but the whole dating a royal in theory is far, far different from being a part of something bigger than you, on - how you say - a GLOBAL scale. it’s big! but she is educated, has life experience, and freedom of choice. and she went with the ginger. heir spare and all that he means and is. i’d love it if she showed him a little more respect.

that’s my rant! i’m old timey! sue me! i’m gonna pull for them, i swear, but they updated the anglican wedding vows for their ceremony, so jury is definitely out.

i leave you with this outfit on m’girl and name twin (C)atherine Elizabeth. i am trying my damndest to put it in my own closet as soon as my own amex forgives me for december. thanks for reading! xoxo