people are animals: some thoughts on modern domestic air travel

who has a favorite entrance at LGA or knows the stall that's always clean at SFO? who starves themselves for the shake shack at JFK terminal 4 and who knows the muji sales clerk that is fastest at LHR? yeah? sound familiar? well, then you're a frequent air traveler like me. 

i have lived in new york city, not my native town, for fifteen years now and being on an airplane is just a part of my life. there are so many nuances about flying frequently today, and people are getting increasingly insane (and comfortable in pajamas public) not to mention literally how is it legal the leg space in regular economy seats in new planes. i feel like i notice the same things other people notice when they fly a lot, so holler if some of these travel musings speak to you: 

i will never, for the life of me, understand why everyone - AND THEIR KIDS - does not have global entry.

you can sell me the &%$damn chase sapphire card all you want (matthew) there is no investment better than having status with a single airline. it is WORTH it. especially if you are from the south and that status is with delta. 

if you moved to nyc and are from savannah/lexington/charleston/wilmington/richmond/jax go ahead and admit you miss the solidarity of the fox sports bar. i complained for AGES abt the terminal near 5a where all our little flights departed from, but i'm sorry ordering a glass of chianti from bisou bisou just makes me feel weak compared to those early days. (ed note: nathan's hot dogs, however, is not missed)

“FAVES:
london city
JFK terminal 2 (remember SONG??? it was their terminal. kate spade outfits!)
zurich
the old CHS bc i am a nostalgic person
savannah duh
austin because of that chicken place
madrid because of that lounge
ok fine the views from JFK terminal 4 lounge are legit
FOMO i’ve never been to tokyo
detroit bc it’s just such a sleeper”

delta priority line > TSA precheck line at terminal C LGA just sayin. 

pro tip: when you call your uber at JFK Terminal 4 (heads up: you will hit your steps for the day in that commute) don't do it til you see the palm restaurant, regardless of whether or not you checked. 

pro tip 2: when your uber gets assigned call your driver immediately and tell him/her to meet you UPSTAIRS at the very last door of the DEPARTURES of terminal 4. downstairs is always a disaster esp during the holidays. take your stuff upstairs, exit near TSA and it puts you out at the end of the terminal. ignore the korean air smokers and enjoy a hassle free uber meet-up. you're welcome. 

one day i am really going to sit in those rocking chairs in CLT. 

sometimes shit happens you can't control. keep your airpods charged and just sit down. 

does anyone ever actually do those "vacation" things? i am actually curious. 

spirit. ahhh, yes. the subway in the sky. i take it once a year to make my way to THE DOO and it's only direct into myrtle from the tri state area. i feel that every business traveler should have to fly spirits 1x a year in order to be nicer to their regular commercial airline staff. 

ripe for disruption: in flight wifi. also: why don't more teams share gogo username/passwords? rarely are that many people in flight at once. 

i have so many questions for the people who walk around airports with the neck pillows still on, but obviously i would never speak to them. 

“LEAST FAVES
atl although it’s much better now with the tile floors
JFK TERMINAL 4 I CANNOT TALK ABOUT IT ENOUGH
ewr because of the birds inside
chicago (KCPTSD)
LAX because why isn’t it better?
not nuts about gatwick but honestly why are you even going in/out of gatwick
CLT ”

i am not a plane drinker. just not my jam. even on vacation, and 96% of the reason for that is because of that line in that david sedaris essay i've read so many times “You know how a plastic bottle of water will get all crinkly during a flight?” she asked. “Well, it happens to people, too, to our insides." i mean - booze cannot be good in that scenario! 

i like to MINIMIZE the time i spend in airports. this makes for some close calls. emmy and bryce always get those texts "this time there's no way" but i always make it and so i never learn my lesson. 

i once complaint-tweeted that donald sutherland's audio was way too loud at the beginning of the movies in the promo part and i swear it's not as bad anymore. 

airports that are close to the actual towns mean a lot to me. lex KY for instance! 

i am loving the new "only grown in georgia" booth at SAV! it's super cute and i had forgotten to get some pepper jelly for my favorite doorman this time, so it totally saved me! carl got some peach chutney spiked with jack daniels this week! 

all righty. thanks for reading my weird rant. but don't talk to me if you see me in an airport bc honestly my headphones are in so who does that only animals.