on moms

i listen to the podcast forever 35 sometimes and they recently did an episode about talking about hard things. i am a person living without their mom, so mother’s day is a uniquely emotional time for me, but i was so surprised to hear people other than me or my sister or my friend ashley talking about how these holidays are difficult. “oh!” i thought. “it’s not just us?!?!”

there are many conversations to be had around what a mother is. people like me - or robyn or teddy or matt or stewart - know that even without your own mom around you can certainly feel mothered, have a mom-like person in your life, return the gifts you learned from your mom to the universe in myriad ways, and just generally evoke their love and pass along what they taught you in unique and deeply wonderful ways.

but!

if you had a good mama, life is never the same without her around. sorry! it’s true. life is still joyful, the ache of the loss does ease , and you will find yourself laughing with and honoring her at the happiest AND saddest times of your life. just last night i had mason full-on cracking up telling him about how my mom really clung onto the phrase “eye-high kicks” when we did a tour of radio city and the tour guide was talking about the rockettes. i can still see her eyebrows raise when the guy delivered the phrase, deep pride emanating from him, crisply dressed in his 30 rock get-up. i instantly knew she would be taking said phrase and RUNNING with it. she did. nutjob.

anyway, you will not be sobbing in a corner for the rest of your life without your mom. i promise! but it is definitely different without her around.

i guess i just wanted to take a moment to say that i am sorry if this day is hard for you. and to remind folks that it really can be a difficult time for people. it has been for me. it will be again. i am crying as i type this. but i am also thinking about the eye-high kicks, ya know? when a hole is left in your heart, you really do get to choose how you are going to fill it up. (someone told me that once! not an original line!) i choose gratitude for having such a good woman raise me! and i also give grace to myself.

i think of my favorite line in the christmas hymn “hark the herald angels sing!” buried in the third stanza - “light and life to all He brings.” that was what my mom was like! that is what my husband is like! (both of these people would/will ADORE being compared to our lord jesus christ, please be clear.) and with age you realize, it’s a choice to bring that kind of mojo to the world - to your colleagues, to your children, to the woman checking you out at chick-fil-a to whom you give the name vanessa, say, even if your name is actually judy but you always thought vanessa sounded more exotic and exciting. i try to reset this time of year, and make sure that i’m pausing and being intentional and doing what i can to bring my own light and life where i can. just like judes.

i also appreciate and celebrate the mothering i witness in the world. when i hear my sister correct her four-year-old with a “yes MA’AM?” after he says “yeah” to her, my heart truly soars. serving myself tenderloin from mary lu’s sideboard on christmas eve makes me miss my own mama’s dining room less. smiling at bryce texting carol on her flip phone, watching bonnie watching ashley put on her jewelry, and knowing beth will soon be greasing samantha and eleanor up with sunscreen to make sure they perfect their summer tans…that all is heartening and wonderful and what moms are all about. also: big ups to christy who somehow got the world’s most frugal human to have a third child. the world needs you, woman, hang in there.

just know that i am wishing that anyone who reads this feels loved this weekend, especially. i know i do! and to my mother in heaven: i am very, very sorry i always put my clothes inside out into the laundry hamper. i deeply regret that now that i fully understand how much time that tacks onto the whole thing.